Some ideas straight from the source for Earth Day parties

So let's say tomorrow you're invited to a party. You have to bring a gift with you to the party.

First information you need to know: How old is the honoree? What kind of gift would she like?

The honoree is ancient, older than anyone or anything you've ever known. She is Earth, a very old woman often called Mother Earth. More accurately by now she would be Great Great Great Great Great Great (to the billionth power)Grandma Earth. However, since she's still giving birth, she is Mother to most of us.

Now you know who the honoree is. What can you give her?

I called the old lady and put the question straight to her. And just for you, I recorded my call. Here it is verbatim:

Ring, ring.....

Mother Earth?

"Yeah, what do you want? You know this is a busy time. Let's see, I've got to get a couple storms brewing so I can get the morels to come out. Then before I can turn around, I have to get the old oven Sun going to get my temperature up to 70 degrees by noon. I sure don't have time to talk, but now that you've got me, speak up, Child."

Excuse me, Mother. You know tomorrow is Earth Day. What would you like for a gift from your children?

"Well, Child, that's a ridiculous question! Everything is mine anyway. Nothing belongs to you humans or the birds or the snakes, and especially not to those damn yellow jackets. Biggest mistake I ever made! So forget the gift. You own nothing."

Okay, Mother Earth, I own nothing. It's already yours. But you know we human beings, we have free wills. Sometimes for special occasions, we don't give material things. We may do an action. Maybe we'll write a poem, or kiss our loved one.

"Hmm, that was a great idea of mine, wasn't it? But you know, I sure never thought this so-called free will would mess up my home as much as it has. If you humans would just behave, you would make my life much easier. Do you think you can talk folks into treating me with a little more respect for a change?"

What, you think people don't respect you? We all love you, Mother Earth!

"That's a bunch of spoiled baloney if I've ever heard any! You children don't respect me! Look at those dirty smoke stacks stacked all over me, just so you guys can warm your hand lotion or keep your coffee hot or run your air conditioners down to 65 degrees all summer. Beats me. You children then turn the thermostat up to 80 in the winter. Contrary folks, I do declare!"

But, Mother Earth, tomorrow is your day. Take advantage of it. What can we do for you tomorrow?

"For starters, just stay in bed. You can do very little harm while you're laying flat. Should have never given you children legs, hands or a brain. But even Mother Earth can make mistakes, right?

"But I guess most of you will eventually have to get up. Don't flush that stool every time you tinkle. You're wasting my water that way. Open the blinds. You don't need lights on when you can get plenty of light from the great outdoors.

"And you don't have to shower every morning. Just wash up a little. No one will know, and if anyone complains, send them to me.

"It will help if you lay off of the bacon and hamburgers for a day. Killing my other creatures is a waste of good resources and besides, I like my hogs and cows.

"Walk to work or take mass transit. Better yet, work from home. Save fuel. That damn fuel comes from fossils, another mistake of Father Nature, by the way. You children discovered that stuff, and you're drunk on it! Why, my state of West Virginia is a disgrace! My children are cutting down my beautiful mountains because of their addiction to fossil fuels. They're also killing themselves by burning the dirty old coal."

Well, thanks, Mother Nature for some ideas. I'm sure....

"Honey Child, I'm not done! I haven't even started! Your homes are way too large, and you are not sharing with one another. Why my children in Africa are ignored by my children in America. My children in South America are trying to survive by moving north, and you treat them like criminals! This land belongs to me, not to individual humans, some of whom think they are better because they own certain metals or those darn blasted computers say they have lots of money in your banks. Baloney again!"

But Mother Nature, we humans have evolved. We are civilized now. This is how we organize society.

"Ridiculous. All excuses for how you oppress more than half of my creatures, both humans and otherwise. I just don't know about any of you! I'm getting mad! Maybe I had better stop all of this, and get on with my spring preparation. Those pinks, yellow and purples do my body good. Flowers, oh flowers! Now there's a good example of my creative talents!"

So, Mother Earth, you've given me lots of ideas on how we can honor you tomorrow. Thanks for the ideas. Any last words?

"You betcha! Be humble. Get in touch with your roots like my flowers do. And breathe in my spring fresh air. Watch my butterflies. Listen to my songbirds. Listen also to your hearts. Your hearts love me, but you humans have lost touch with your hearts. Instead you listen to your greed, and that's what hurts all of my creation. So tomorrow, try not to be greedy. Love your fellow creatures, plants, animals, fish, even my reptiles and worms. They are also my children.

But I've got to go for now. I'll be looking forward to your gift of selfless-ness tomorrow."

So there you are! Earth Day, 2009. Do your Mother Earth a favor and live selflessly and frugally one day of the year. Maybe you'll enjoy it just a little. Mother Earth will be proud!

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